TWITCH HOLE


I had a marginal interest in Minecraft after seeing its characters plastered across backpacks, strategy books, the internet, and a million children’s hearts. As a middle school teacher, I was curious about this blocky game that seemed to have captivated an entire generation. After determining that the racist, sexist, and transphobic designer of the game would not be profiting off our purchase, a few friends and I bought it and created what is known as a Survival Multiplayer (SMP) server so we could build a world together in the early days of quarantine. I was hooked immediately. The possibilities were endless—save the impenetrable bedrock below and y-level = 256 sky. The game unlocked the child in me that was obsessed with Duploes, Kinex, Lincoln Logs, Legos, cardboard boxes, and mud.  I convinced my brothers to join. I liked to build stuff and this game had infinite materials to do so. We fed pigs, exploited various glitches in the game to produce infinite chicken meat, crammed villagers into tents and spammed down beds so that they’re triggered to copulate and generate cats and iron golems holding little red flowers. We dug down and built up. We camped out in the wilds and turned the square wolves into pet dogs in faroff polar realms by feeding them the bones of fallen skeleton archers. 



A tamed wolf.


The game is a surreal mishmash of different creatures and biomes of jungle, plains, and sea. The only goals are to build, mine, survive, and reach “The End,” a vast uninhabitable realm of floating beige islands and purple fruit (that blinks you a few blocks in random directions upon consumption), so that you can shoot down the ever-blocky and pixelated Ender Dragon before it regenerates all its health from little pink crystals atop obsidian towers. This was surely the best antidote to the COVID blues. We would lose ourselves in an infinitely restructurable playground of primary colors. We would chase the square sun into the horizon and camp out on an island while giggling on the ubiquitous chat program called Discord. We would build a dick out of dirt on this island. We would build a farm and a home near the dick. While the world outside screamed virus, tyranny, and upheaval, we would shovel out a nice little pool.


A nice little pool.


My friend with eight years of a PhD in Wordsworth attuned me to the phrase “Emergent Narrative” and this I think is part of what makes the game so appealing: Minecraft is a canvas of sorts, with enough suggestions and pieces of narrative that do not impose a single through-line. Hundreds of millions of kids play this game. You build homes and make up stories. You fight each other with wooden swords crafted from the surrounding trees. I was interested in what seemed to have hooked the minds of so many of my middle schoolers. I finally understood. 


The game was invented by a Swedish guy named Marcus Persson, or Notch. He has since been erased from Easter eggs in the game and held at maximum arm’s length by Microsoft after they purchased his baby because he is a hateful internet troll who has tweeted horrible things about women, Jews, trans people, and global warming. It is unfortunate that this alt-right schmuck is responsible for designing for what I now realize must be one of the greatest games of all time. His status as a nefarious p.o.s. was strangely fitting for my early experiences of the game because underneath the otherwise child-friendly pink pigs and green grass, both the game and some of its fanbases often make awkward tonal turns toward darkness and fascistic thinking. 


Pink pigs on green grass.


Minecraft confronts you with creatures called Creepers that will annihilate themselves in order to destroy your home after nightfall. These moments elicit genuine shock and horror. In the game’s hell, or Nether, huge floating ghosts giggle like babies before they try to decimate you with fireballs. The music confronts you with 8-bit crescendos and metallic hymns of C418’s masterpiece soundtrack with songs like “Subwoofer Lullaby” and “Thirteen.” The sounds can be alternately wistful and melancholic. They perfectly accompany the experience of wandering and digging through an infinite procedurally-generated world. Like many other games, it encourages a kind of blind imperialism of exploitation and dominance. You are rewarded for digging, farming, chopping, and mining every available resource. 


Minecraft operates in mutually beneficial relationships with other internet swarms: Youtube, the Minecraft Wiki, and Twitch. You learn the builds and easter eggs on the Wiki, follow the tutorials on Youtube. Kids invent whole worlds and perform longform improv in Minecraft servers for Twitch. The evil that underpins the game and its history permeates the game’s patchwork communities online. Like many nerd spheres on the web, there is rampant harassment and gatekeeping against women. Notorious unregulated servers such as the infamous 2B2T, the “oldest anarchy server on Minecraft” allow virtually any player behavior. According to a self-proclaimed 2B2T historian named FitMC, it is routinely hacked and “griefed,” the term players use for when you become that kid at the beach and kick over the sandcastle. On 2B2T, people revel in the unrule by camping out at the spawn point and murdering anyone who tries to join. On 2B2T, the n-word is routinely spammed into the public chat and tweens create swastikas out of blocks that you can see from the sky. 

The 2B2T spawn from above.

This work is free software; you can redistribute it and/or modify it under the terms of the GNU General Public License as published by the Free Software Foundation; version 3. 


Still, most kids play it wholesomely enough and it has even become a bastion for some LGBTQIA+ communities. In the early days, I found myself obsessing over a Youtube series called Hermitcraft. It invited some of the greatest builders and technical players to ever play the game onto a server together so they could build a city, establish a working economy and shopping district, and create stories and games for each other to explore. 


There is Mumbo Jumbo, a veritable Minecraft master technician and beefy-necked British man who is known for experimenting with a game component called redstone. The redstone allows you to create circuits that connect pistons and switches, so that people can create automated farms, doors, and even music. Mumbo builds massive industrial farms that exploit various glitches and non-playable character behaviors in order to produce other resources to be sold in the shops to others. He creates elaborate piston doors powered by elaborate redstone circuitry. I became invested in Mumbo’s relationship with other players like Iskall, who was constructing a massive tree, and the ever-devious Grian, who pioneered various building designs and was pumping in hundreds of hours into the sloped roofs of his own mansion. 



A screenshot of Grian’s mansion.


I watched Grian play in a Minecraft tournament once where content creators compete in minigames designed by the community, and this led me to leap over into the depths of Twitch—this would make me what Twitch streamers derisively refer to as a “Youtube frog.” The most watched person streaming the event was not one of the Hermitcrafters, who seemed to be kings of the Minecraft Youtube scene at the time, but a wiry British child who had completely given up on the competition and instead had resorted to jokes—he had 70 thousand people watching him and his teammates build a large “Seven” out of yellow glass. 


They had apparently decided that one of the moderators of the event, known to them only as “7”, was worthy of cult-like worship. They were improvising, kind of. They were blowing out their microphones and drenching everything they said in layer after layer of the dry endless irony that only British teenagers can muster. The leader of the Lord of the Flies mob was a boy named TommyInnit. He was playing the game in a style far removed from the pristine, rule-driven world of the Hermitcraft server. As a product of the PvP scene and Minecraft server Hypixel, Tommy and his friends were prone to constantly yelling, punching, and dynamiting each other’s builds. One of the lines he was most known for in his early days was in a Minecraft Championship, when he blurted out, “Just killed a woman, feeling good!” This was an example of one of the many strange, edgy outbursts that he is known for: pure Id, a midlander British teenager who is somehow both deeply annoying and widely adored. My initial reaction was that this was textbook gamer misogyny. His shtick seems to be a perpetual insistence that all women love him, while also pushing them away with awkward comments. Yet, at the same time, he is largely accepted by a massive hyper-woke mob of young obsessives colloquially known as “stans.” If you don’t know, the term “stan” comes from the Eminem song, “Stan” where a young Marshall Mathers fan writes a long letter about how his obsessive love for the rapper drove him to a domestic murder-suicide. Originally, it was used to describe die hard fans of K-pop and BTS, who would do things like spam .gifs of dancing k-pop stars in order to drown out the opinions of their foes on Twitter. 





The original stan.


Tommy is a member of a server called The Dream SMP where he is a protagonist of sorts engaging in pseudo-scripted theater alongside other Twitch streamers and Youtubers. At the beginning of each stream, Tommy cracks open a Coke in ritualistic fashion as the beat kicks in on a Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA)-free synthy song by an artist named luvbird called “parting words.” In his gravelly midlander Briton accent, he yells, “Boys, welcome back to the stream!” Hundreds of thousands of comments flicker past. There are purple hearts and little emojis of dogs hugging hearts—what I would later learn are called “emotes.” A typical emote happens when you type OMEGALUL in all caps, which operates like a kind of code that will trigger an image of a person laughing—a photoshopped mouth stretched wide open. Tommy hums over the trumpets on the luvbird track and boots up Minecraft.  



The original pogchamp emote was recently banned because Ryan Guitterez, feature here, voiced support for the January 6th riots.

(Fair use)


There is something incredibly addicting about watching Tommy. He brings me back to the feeling I had as a teenager—a particular blend of internet-bred ADHD, sycophancy, naivete, and raw energy. Tommy’s rise can mostly be attributed to cussing in front of kid-friendly Youtubers like BadBoyHalo and telling the most-watched streamers in the world like Ninja and KSI to go fuck themselves while touring them around the Dream SMP. His central role seems to be perpetually ruining and enlivening the narrative of digital theater that takes place over the course of hundreds of hours on separate Twitch streams and Youtube clips. Dream sky-rocketed to success in the early days of quarantine by making videos of himself racing to beat the game while three or four of his friends try to hunt him down and kill him in a series he calls a “Manhunt.” He is one of many new brands of online content creators who never reveals their faces. Dream only ever shows a crudely drawn black smile on a bright green background as his profile picture, or pfp. 


The ubiquitous dream.

(Fair use)


In this way, him and other streamers who have chosen to have their faces represented by only their character’s (such as Technoblade, Corpse, and Ranboo respectively), seem to almost embody a space closer to a cast of cartoon characters than real, living breathing people. 


[Embedded video of Ranboo’s entire story on Dream SMP] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cg_yJLrDeU8&ab_channel=Animagician


Ranboo’s story on the Dream SMP.


That is one of the keys to their success. They perform a brand of improvised theater inside a video game that can be encouraged, attacked, and augmented by the hundreds of thousands of people chatting in real time. Artistically, it represents a shift away from traditional forms of entertainment in film and TV. Everything is rougher and messy. The fact that it is, as the teens would say, “scuffed,” is part of the point. These young creators are constantly pumping out streams of big events on the server, each representing their own perspective. There is no time to polish. Their fans enter into parasocial, or one-sided relationships with these creators. The fans, or “stans” create elaborate fan-art, usually of the manga or anime-inspired ilk, and even construct whole animated shorts distilled from major moments on the Dream SMP. The most impressive comes from a teenager from the Philippines named Sad-ist. Replete with exciting soundtracks and tense moments, she distills the hours and hours of the stream’s narratives down into its punchiest moments. 




Sad-ist animates audio clips of Dream SMP lore streams. 


Dream has become notorious online for cultivating a following that will do anything to protect him. The Dream stans often have their favorite creators from the SMP as their avatar. Dream recently came under fire from the speedrunning community for cheating. Other critics of Dream have received a vicious backlash from the mob. Sometimes, Dream, Tommy and the whole gang deserve the mob punishment. As teenagers, Dream and the other teens and 20-somethings sometimes fall into the inevitable subtle bigotry one might hear in a high school lunchroom. One player named Quackity is Mexican-American and created a joke character named “Mexican Dream.” He puts on an exaggerated caricature of a Mexican accent and, well, you can assume the rest. The unsettling part is when all the other white boys start to do this same accent, which seems like it only could have blossomed in this heavily-siloed world. Twitter threads abound about all the things that members of the DreamSMP have said in the past. As young people attempting comedy, they learned funny from edgelord forebears like Pewdiepie and a crass New Jersey guy named Jschlatt. In this way the Dream SMP and Dream’s stan army have become an interesting litmus test for Gen Z’s online discourse. Here, the edgelords and hyperwoke meet in Twitter combat, clipping and attempting to hold the creators accountable for past actions as fans attempt to re-educate their idols. 


This also all begs the question, why the hell do I know anything about all of this? Is this what depression looks like? I will admit it began as a morbid fascination with recent trends, but became a full-blown addiction and investment into both the authentic and artificial lives of streamers and Youtubers. TommyInnit is genuinely funny, if in adolescent and obnoxious ways. He even admits this and even begins streams and Youtube videos with the line, “Many people find me annoying, but if you do not, please consider subscribing.” He, and the Dream SMP have exploded over the course of quarantine as kids looked for something to distract themselves from Zoom learning. The fans feel invested in this meteoric rise of the people they worship in a way that feels novel. All of the followers and viewers feel like they are on the creator’s team. During every stream, Tommy, like many others, begs for Twitch Primes, which are the one free $5 subscription you get for connecting your Amazon Prime account to Twitch. Some users will give hundreds of subscriptions on a whim to Tommy, Tubbo, Quackity, Georgenotfound, or any of the other personalities behind the Minecraft avatars. A handful of them have become millionaires in a matter of months. 


Minecraft was my gateway drug to Twitch. After a time, I felt weird lurking in the prosceniums during the digital theater of events like the L’Manburg war performance, wondering if they would revive Wilbur Soot or not after he destroyed his own kingdom. What began as a sick fascination with the Minecraft and Twitch scene became a genuine interest and obsession. As a middle child, I liked to stand behind the couch and watch my brother play Chrono Trigger or Final Fantasy. I would walk to my best friend’s house just to kneel on the floor and root my best friend on through seven continuous hours of battles on Warcraft II. Twitch had figured out a way to digitize the arcade and it was infinite. You, along with hundreds of thousands of others, could stand over the shoulder of an eccentric gamer while they play an obscure game and scream at the screen.  


I became interested in trying to figure out the dominant political ideology of Twitch streamers and fans. “What sort of people will this mob become?” is a question any middle school teacher often asks themselves. At one point, Tommy’s idol Jschlatt was invited on the Dream SMP server and he immediately gave me the alt-right heebie jeebies. He built a “cuck” shed out of blocks and tried to force Tommy inside. A quick Google revealed he was known for saying controversial things on Twitter, and is basically a reactionary who mocked the BLM movement, made frequent gay jokes, and has said many racist things online. His tough guy New Jersey lilt can only excuse so much. Many of his fans insist this is all part of a pseudo-demonic persona he has developed—a part of his online character in this grand cartoon, but the truth is he is probably somewhere in-between. The Gen Z internet seems largely divided on these lines. Either you are an edgelord who revels in offensive humor and spam racial slurs every chance you get, or you are hyper-woke and sensitive, willing to dox any creator that violates super strict codes of speech. Jschlatt is another one of the wedge issues in this community. Schlatt has apparently since begun his indoctrination into an edgier, older community online that orbits around a creator named Mizkif after getting doxxed and “cancelled” one to many times by the Dream stans. If this all sounds like an endless ouroboros of proper nouns and internet absurdities, that’s because it is. I started watching a political streamer named Hasanabi to help me develop a more nuanced portrait of this scene, and perhaps bridge it all back to some semblance of The Real. 



Hasanabi, the Bernie bro chad.

(from Flickr)


Hasanabi is perhaps best known for bringing Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Ilhan Omar onto Twitch for a game of Among Us, the campfire mafia game played in space. That, or for his comment when he joked that the United States deserved 9/11 because of how Reagan funded groups in the middle east that eventually became the Taliban and Al Qaeda. He was let go from the popular leftist Youtube channel, the Young Turks (TYT) started by his uncle, and established permanent residence on Twitch. His general formula is to boot up the stream at 11am and broadcast himself engaging in “agitative propaganda” as he critiques the news, mocks right-wingers, and engages in the occasional Grand Theft Auto roleplay for nine hours a day in the “Just Chatting” section of Twitch. Hasanabi occupies a particularly bizarre space because he appears to be the stereotypical “chad”: a handsome bro who knows how to charm women. One of his top viewed clips is of him at a party full of pornstars and there is a meme about him “getting away with it” with almost every female Twitch streamer. 


The greatest source of anxiety I had in my first years as a middle school teacher were that no matter what I or the history teacher next door taught about history, critical thinking, or proper argumentation, after the school day finished the students could go home and consume 7+ hours of content on Youtube or Twitch that would inevitably shift their political worldview one way or another. The New York Times podcast, Rabbithole by Kevin Roose documents how the algorithm was driving people’s videos toward more and more sensational and extremist content. Many people rightfully attribute the automatized math problems of internet search engines to our deeply divided political scene. Hasanabi recognizes that Twitch is a battleground for the hearts and minds of teenagers. Another streamer named Destiny has made a sport out of debating alt-righters online. I asked Kevin Roose in a Reddit AMA if he saw any hope in the attempts of commentators like Hasan and Destiny, and he said: 


I'm a big fan of Hasan's, and am really impressed by how people like him and Destiny have used their platforms to try to provide an alternative to the redpill channels. Something Caleb Cain (the guy I profiled in Rabbit Hole) helped me understand is that part of the solution to internet-based radicalization involves learning to mimic the aesthetics of the channels that are sending people down those dangerous paths. It's not enough just to yell at people or call them bigots -- you have to use memes and edgy humor to give them an alternative with a less toxic message.


It is an odd and unsettling experience to look into these varying fish bowls online and see how the terms of the alt-right have permeated mainstream online gamer discourse. TommyInnit regularly complains about Twitter for these reasons. Streamers use terms like “cuck,” “social justice warrior,” “white knight” to deride anyone with an activist bent. If you are sympathetic to feminist aspirations for equality, you get called a “soy boy” or a “simp.” What was once a direct icon of the alt-right, the “Pepe the frog” meme, which has its own long and storied history from comic book creator Matt Furie to Richard Spencer’s lapel, has become a ubiquitous emote on the platform. There is PeepoSad, Sadge, PepeHands, and dozens of others. 


The original Pepe has spawned hundreds of Twitch emotes. Are the fascist connotations gone, or merely diluted?

(Fair use)


The icon maybe no longer connotes white supremacy when spammed at 100 miles an hour across the live chat feeds of Twitch, but it does remind me that whenever I’m in an place, digital or physical, whether it be a colorful Minecraft server or Anime-obsessed 4chan forum, fascistic thinking may be somewhere not too far off.    


Most Twitch streamers and Youtubers are not aggressively trying to convert their followers into right-wingers. They are simply lazy and nihilistic. Some want their characters to continue to have enormous, hyper-bouncy breasts. Others simply blame women for wanting only hypermasculine “chads.” I saw some of my friends fall into similar traps in the Trump era. This is the #gamergate and 4chan arc, and unfortunately the story is far from finished. 


Twitch streamers Hasanabi and Destiny have apparently had many falling outs over debates and political clashes online. One of these arguments involved the use of the n-word. Is it ever okay to use the term, even offline? Destiny had a falling out with a fellow podcast host named Trihex who is black. Destiny said that he would not stop saying the n-word (with a soft “a”) in private jokes with friends, namely while quoting song lyrics or Dave Chappelle jokes and the friendship was ended on those terms. Trihex refused to be tokenized as Destiny’s one black friend giving Destiny the eponymous “pass.” A photoshopped cutout of Trihex’s face has become an emote that gets used in racially charged ways in Twitch chat. Some “chatters,” as they are colloquially known, will spam it whenever they see a black person come on screen. One particularly famous Streamer who goes by xQc was famously banned from an Overwatch tournament for doing just that. 


I think the reason why Twitch is so compelling. I want to see the world heal. It has become one of the last places where people still seem to be trying to reach across the aisle. Destiny might embody aggressive Ben Shapiro-style debate speech, but there is some part of him that wants to have an actual conversation, and convert the youth away from the alt-right black hole. His approach appeals to his adolescent following’s urge to turn every political discussion into a winner-take-all bloodsport, but at some level, real ideas are being exchanged. Destiny’s tactics seem to have worked for some kids who might have otherwise been turned rightward by people like Shapiro, Steven Crowder, or Jordan Shapiro over on Youtube. It is well known that the political scene is deeply fractured and atomized online. Mainstream liberals dominate the podcast scene. Right-wingers, nihilists, and hedonists have Youtube. Twitch, with players running their mouths non-stop for hours on end, has become another pseudo-public square of discussion between disparate worlds. 


Perhaps the darkest hallway I walked down in my unearthing of the strange, insulated world of Twitch was when I started hearing other streamers talk about a streamer named Ice Poseidon. If there is a natural endpoint between the demanding audience of a Twitch chatroom and the streamer who serves them, it is in this man. He refused to moderate his chat and would do virtually anything they asked of him. He walked into restaurants and suddenly the phones would start ringing at the front desk. They would begin innocuously enough with calls trying to locate the streamer, then the Ice Poseidon fans would start to troll and call in bomb threats. Ice Poseidon would leave his door unlocked and let people come into his home. He would wake up to people standing over him and giggling. He would let people buy messages using Text to Speech (TTS) and let them say racist things while he walked by black people in diners. He has been permanently banned from Twitch, and recently explained how far it all went in a therapy session with a Harvard-trained therapist named Alok Kanojia who Twitch to help streamers and gamers named. Kanojia goes by Healthy Gamer on Twitch and he has helped many children with video game addiction, depression, and internet-induced ADHD. 



Healthy Gamer talks to Mizkif about coping with ADHD.


Kanojia streams therapy sessions with people like Ice Poseidon. Some streams are more successful than others. There was one particularly tragic chapter involving a streamer named Reckful. Dr. K tried to help Reckful with his clinical depression and thoughts of suicide. Reckful’s dream was to build a top-down Massively Multiplayer Online RPG called Everland that would allow players a sort of second life experience where they could play games and meet up online. It would be a kind of digital heaven with an emphasis on community and play. Unfortunately, Reckful took his life not too long after his sessions with Dr. K. 


It feels absurd to even be writing about Twitch as it is a deeply auditory and visual (see “post-literate”) medium that perpetuates itself in a feedback loop of fan made clips on the Reddit forum “Live Stream Fails” and increasingly obscure memes. Things are continuously buried by tidal waves of more drama and content. E-sports blogs like Dexerto try to keep up, but most efforts are futile simply because there are so many hours of simultaneous content to cover. 


Part of my reason for wanting to write about Minecraft and Twitch came from a desire to exorcise my addiction to these platforms. Dr. K has a quick video for dealing with the kind of addiction teens might find themselves caught up in when they’re in the throes of an algorithmically constructed internet bender. He cites what others refer to as a dopamine detox, debunks some of the common misinformation around the process and offers his own suggestions for relieving our dependence on a vast network of news aggregators and oceans of fresh content. His advice more or less involves scheduling out your day, embracing boredom, and reading a book. 


As it stands now, I find myself highly invested in the drama around the big heavy hitters in the Twitch scene. There is the sallow and highly animated xQc, who captures the gamer addict archetype perhaps more than anyone else. Recently, he has been gambling and playing on a Grand Theft Audio roleplay server for 11 hours a day. Streamers are rewarded for streaming more per day because they have a higher chance of catching the interest of a random person scrolling through Twitch. xQc has his own brand of Gatorade’s Gamer Fuel powder called “The Juice.” His fans are called “Juicers” and they follow xQc with a mix of cult-like devotion and troll-infused hate that seems unique to Twitch. They will watch xQc all day long and make fun of him as rages out on a Minecraft speedrun, or gets banned from The Grand Theft Auto roleplaying server for killing a cop with a reason that fits his character’s narrative. He is just pissed. His fans make fun of his nose and his “pepepaga” (a term used a replacement for “retarded” because the r-word is now widely understood to be demeaning and offensive in gaming spaces online). xQc regularly dominates the front page of “Live Stream Fails.” One clip involved him running into his girlfriend’s room in the throes of what sounded like a night terror. He was yelling in genuine fear and Live Stream Fails exploded with speculation. His fans later surmised that he might have been dreaming about getting “swatted.” xQc was forced to move to a friend’s house in Austin before returning to his native Quebec because the cops were showing up all the time. 


The titles of Twitch streams often sound like lines from experimental language poetry. As I write this, one could be clicking on “ASMR EARLICKING BED YOGA,” and see a streamer named Amouranth licking a prosthetic ear hooked up to a microphone. They could tap into a 16 hour xQc stream called, “GAMING GOD WINS AT EVERY GAME AND CLICK EVERY HEAD IN CHILDRENS MOBILE FPS GAME, WINS TOURNAMENT THEN HITS LOWER VAULT IN PRETENDING GAME” or watch “FUNDY ADVENTURE BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD,” which is a stream title that a Minecraft furry named Fundy will be going on an adventure, most likely on the Dream SMP. His title jokingly refers to another creator named Technoblade who fights against governments on the server in the name of anarchy and is known for screaming “blood for the blood god” and quoting Lao-tzu. 


It was when I found myself obsessing over a budding romance between a Super Mario 64 speedrunner streamer named Simply and an aspiring Minecraft builder slash environmentalist named Babbsity that I knew I had a problem. I was rooting for their love. The two nerds had met on a scuffed streamer dating show hosted by the streamers’ much more popular roommate, Mizkif. I wanted to see if their performative flirting could blossom into a real relationship. I had watched the kitchen stream of Nmplol and Malena—their bit has been to “farm pogOs,” which take the form of mildly offensive one-liners that cause Malena to choke Nmplol. It is a kind of reality TV where the stream and edited clips from their cooking show get upvoted to the top of Live Stream Fails, which in turn affects their relationship in real time. In one such stream, they stood behind their kitchen table, and offered their take on something called the “Hot Tub Meta.” Attractive women were streaming themselves writing subscribers’ names on their bodies for subscriptions while they sat in inflatable hot-tubs wearing bikinis. 

[embed VOD of Youtube for OTV https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zWzeln6j9lQ&ab_channel=Pokimane ]

The Offline TV streamer crew mocks the hot tub meta. 


“How did I get here?” is something I should have asked myself a long time ago, but instead I feel this need to watch a conversation between Dream and Hasan as if it is more important than breathing. The clip of the stream on Youtube is called “Talking with Dream.” Hasan had called out Dream for doing a stream with Notch back in November. The Dream stans were mad that Karl Jacobs had been a fan of Ice Poseidon and Hasan said they should be much angrier with Dream for the stream with Notch. They come to some form of an agreement. Hasan admitted that we should stop trying to cancel everyone at the slightest violation of perceived political purity, and while he talked to a smiley face about the responsibilities of being an internet sensation, I thought about how this all started with my marginal interest and subsequent obsession with Minecraft. Twitch, broadly speaking, is driven by these sorts of circles. I began with a desire to escape the terrors of COVID-19 and build a utopian world in the brightly colored block game. I ended up invested in the conflicts, drama, and romances of people I did not know. Since I started out, TommyInnit has moved onto vlogging about his trips to waterparks. Hasan continues to mock members of the alt-right. xQc and Trainwrecks dive headfirst into another stream of him gambling away hundreds thousands of dollars before streaming debates with Hasan about ethics of it all. Babbsity and Simply’s romance continues in fake Minecraft marriages and speedrun lessons. I find myself still struggling to tear myself away from the endless stream of content: people getting paid to sit in their rooms and play video games. The creators, reactors, and streamers are in my dreams. My Youtube algorithm has warped to purely clips from Twitch. It is an endless content-loop of hate-watchers, stream clips, and indecipherable Twitch chat. I will be there with popcorn when it overheats and inevitably goes up in flames, over and over again. Or, maybe I should tear myself away and go for a walk.  





 





I   T   A   L   I   A



LOS ANGELES


In Los Angeles, Enzo is bathed in the bright light. The follicles on his black hat look like the fuzzy side of Velcro. Tiny nylon loops shine in the sun. There is a metaphor here: how the loops have no attendant sheet of tiny plastic hooks anywhere in the world. He wears a black hoodie and black Adidas pants to match. We’re in the backyard, which is really just concrete. He’s called us to a meeting. The flowers spilling from the vines fall onto our small crimson table—pink over red that will stain and leak their sweet nectar which surely will attract another nest of black widows that I’ll need to investigate and remove in a fit of brutality before we take in visitors again. Enzo is talking about fighting the landlords with bureaucracy. The lawyers are on his side.

He seems to have had too many espressos and has been agonizing over this for months—they’re trying to turn the music studio he built into a third unit. We are listening and nodding.

“Yes, we also don’t want a third neighbor,” I say.
“Yes, yes, and I like you guys,” he says.
“There’s a mutual respect.”

He gives me a Miles Davis baseball cap that Miles Davis’ son, Erin Davis, gifted to him. They play guitar together. I will wear it every day during our month in Italy. Enzo is known to noodle late into the night—scale after scale. We say nothing because we can tell the amp has been turned to two or three and he is very good. My wife, Chelsea Snow and I are leaving for our honeymoon later this evening. We remind Enzo. He tells us to visit a few restaurants in his hometown of Venice. He says he’s had a rough couple of years. We promise to send a picture or two and say goodbye.



LAX


Our Uber driver tells us she is also heading to Europe later this summer on a long cruise with her sister. She is exceedingly kind as she slowly bumper-boats us to our terminal at LAX.

We eat nachos in the terminal and suspect the cheese is made of cashews, but there is no drive to find the answer. I drink what will be my last hoppy California beer for a month, and feel myself care a little bit less about everything for about an hour until my head starts to hurt again.

SWISS AIR


On the plane, a family with iPads and smartphones spilling rainbows of light over their sleeping faces rock and kick their seats back into our knees. It is far too early for it to be anything other than a faux pax for them to recline, but they do it anyway. Even their mother thrashes her huge blonde hair backward over the seat like they are the only family unit in a world without pattern or dimension—only them and their needs and their egos pushing out into nothing as if everyone else were built to only acquiesce or get bowled over. One of the kids is watching old Disney Channel sitcoms at full volume.



ZURICH


At our transfer in Zurich, everything is a little too neat. The countryside is painted with organized rectangles of yellow and green. The hay rolled up in packed cylinders is stacked next to dirt roads that connect the pale red clay roofs. Everything—even the trees look made of Lego. I imagine the pieces snapping perfectly into place with a satisfying click. In the airport, we read the signs and mock their accents. Every hall, escalator, and metal path has an attendant green and red light. Despite the hyper-structured environs we nearly die trying to escape an escalator. An American says something stupid and rude.

One of the food stalls is labeled “Asia.” Large, uniform bell peppers sit in baskets next to similarly piled, and similarly uniform broccoli and mushrooms—like a banquet for a knight’s feast. A lady at the stall draws smiley faces on eggs before placing them back in the jar. We eat pretzels larger than our faces. We are becoming tourists.

On very little sleep, we fill our water bottles in the bathroom because Switzerland is supposed to have some of the best drinking water in the world.

VENICE


The travel log is a silly form, but it is important, I think, to sketch out the world as we move through it, and this may be why the tourist is compelled to snap a photo of every pink eve overflowing with flowers perched over the narrow entangled alleyways of Venice, or grimacing gargoyle, or windblown blue vista dotted with sailboats (even if the internet may contain trillions of the same images). Amongst the sea of my fellow travelers I must do the same: document, record, map.

A critic at the New Yorker named Agnes Callard wrote a buzzy little troll piece called “The Case Against Travel.” Its words have been a quiet little drum in my mind for large chunks of this trip. Callard is an ethics professor at the University of Chicago who has been known to write thinky viral treatises on why she throws her children’s Halloween candy away or crosses the graduate students’ picket line to teach.

She says that travel doesn’t really change you—that the tourist is more likely to warp the exotic places of the world it visits. She seems annoyed that people wear having traveled as a sort of honorable badge. It may be true that many come home from tourism and travel (she seems to conflate the two) largely unchanged.

I’ll say for myself that I like being in a sea of those despised Others called tourists. I like to give in to those depraved seductions of the human spirit that traveling invites: eating, looking, and even shoving my phone's viewfinder out of the mass to snap a picture of the most venerated art objects.

We transfer to Lufthansa in Zurich. I write on the plane and read the beginning of My Brilliant Friend despite my penchant for contrarianism. It’s by Elena Ferrante and Chelsea, my mom, and several colleagues in the English department have all read it. I forge in because sometimes the cliché thing is the right thing. I think what I have read so far is beautiful. The character development is vivid and the power struggles complex and mercurial. It is that deep song of friendships that haunt, torment, and fill up our souls for the whole of our days. It is the perfect blend of literary and beachy. Perfect for a daybed on the rocky Italian shore. 

Venice is easily one of the most beautiful cities I’ve ever visited. It is also packed with pink-skinned tourists. We check in at our “15th Century Venetian Palace.” The man at the front desk is kind and combs his grey caterpillar mustache before saying repeatedly “Venice is a very different city.”

He says our Google Maps will not work, but instead to learn the plazas and travel the main byways rather than navigate the maximally efficient routes offered to us by the algorithms in our pocket machine.

We end up doing a bit of both. I find it easy enough to travel as the corvid flies from ristorante to duomo.

Every corner of the sinking city has a lovely gothic archway or delightfully crumbled eve. The plaster fades to renaissance brick. The walls cast long shadows over the stone and keep us mostly cool when we’re away from the sea.

Bright green vines explode over shutters and balconies in vibrant arguments for life. Most of the alleys in Venice are no more than eight feet in width. Looking up past the windows shuttered against the heat, thin strips of blue sky mirror the paths below.

I can’t help but exoticize and let my prose get purple while talking about it. We eat at a spot down the path from our hotel called Trattoria Bandeleria. There is some distinction between trattoria, ristorante, and osteria that I’m still trying to figure out. We eat branzino, squid ink spaghetti, and grilled vegetables. The fish is good, but could use salt and the spaghetti is lovely. Chelsea disputes this and says my craving for salt is a distinctly American characteristic. She insists that it is perfectly seasoned. 

I like how the place has just a few tables. So many restaurants in Europe seem to have an entire fleet of tables that extend out into the plazas so as to capture wandering cruise ship passengers fresh off the loading ramp. We are right along a high brick wall, so the plastic candle can throw some light over our food and my love.

In our long walks through Venice, we amble over the ornate canal bridges and marvel at the bits of light in the ripples around little cargo boats and gondolas. We’re sucked up into the alleys and spit back out into plazas. If you listen, you can hear a baby crying, a man tuning a piano, or windows quickly being closed as the wind moves through.

After stumbling back to our courtyard, exhausted, we lug our overstuffed luggage over the golden dowels that keep the red carpet from shifting on the stairs. In our room, staring up at the large wooden beams that divide the plaster, we quickly fall asleep.

I wake at 4 in the morning to sweat and think about my students and the debate world I am leaving. Answers to old arguments, resolutions, rhetorical strategies, and classroom structures web across my mind in their typical useless searching frenzy. I think about what other people think about me—what others think about Venice: over-touristed and exceptionally beautiful. I focus on my inhalations and exhalations—count them. I try to hold my body still for long stretches of time until I’m acutely aware of the most minor discomforts. Light and a perky Chelsea Snow free me from my thrashing and half-sleep.

Our main event of the day is a gondola ride through the canals. Again, I refuse to feel guilty for doing the cliché thing.

We meet a man from Sequim, Washington who has just arrived from Chicago. We talk about Seattle and the Washington area. We say we have some friends from there. He asks if they're training kids to be protestors, or what? He slaps me on the back and talks about how difficult it must be to repair the foundations of the buildings down where the stones meet the green canal water. We share a few facts we remember about Venice. It was once a swamp that the early Venetians retreated to because the roving barbarians drove them out here. They had become a formidable naval empire in a few hundred years due to their indomitable position over the Adriatic. The guy loves trains. He is taking a train to London. 

There are no cars in Venice—only boats and tight little alleys for walking. Every corner seems to have some delightful example of architectural prowess in its Gothic archways and crenelated molding. One might see warm light spilling from a little window in the evening, or bougainvillea bursting its violet over an awning. There is an attention to beauty. The streets are extremely clean and even the weeds seem to only invade the cracks ever so delicately--plaster crumbles from brick as if it were meant to peel at that careful angle, just so. 

The tourists, fattened on gnocchi and gelato, come through the cobblestone streets in such fearsome droves that the city considered banning rolling bags. 

In the sweltering heat, Chelsea and I navigate the lines of travelers—each fanning themselves or sucking on portable Aperol spritzes. 

Again the Callard essay on travel is in me, coloring my view of the world and souring my perception of the tourist. The paradox of the tourist is that no one wants to be one—even if "travel" seems intrinsically valuable, as the author asserts. Callard claims that the tourist is more likely to change a place to fit their needs than be changed by the place itself. Chelsea agrees that the piece seems silly—someone on Twitter called it an elaborate troll move and I can't help but agree—still it seems to have his teeth in me. I think we often build up revulsion for subclasses of ourselves: stereotypes and archetypes we can Other and dismiss in order to feel better about our own choices and remind ourselves we are assuredly not that. I can't help but notice often these classifications often seem reserved for those chunks of the population who seem to be having an unadulterated good time: tourists, hipsters, yuppies, and even rednecks all seem unified in their pursuit of raw pleasure.

The tourist finds its dopamine snapping photos—poking the white circle on its pocket computer to lock away the most beautiful works of art and architecture into their tiny data dungeon, which we could call a "cloud", but is really a beige brick building somewhere in Texas with server fans humming and a billion blue and purple lights in infinite slots screwed in and carefully connected through a sublime connection of cords.

The hipster combs through its records with long nails (or else nibbled) because they recently cut smoking. The hipster sips its delicious, overpriced coffee. It retreats into its apartment of niche wonders from its niche tastes in its four-floor walkup of secrecy and scoff and swag.

The yuppy does yoga and runs on the treadmill while listening to the terror of the news, or else devours books reduced to twelve-minute snippets about how to live more efficiently and assert power in the workplace. It runs and runs until its ass matches the magazines. It has the unbridled joy of hikes and a healthy diet so it yells in its conversations at the coffee shop or holds a Zoom call wherever it damn well pleases. 

The redneck drives an ATV, a truck, or a jet ski through the most peaceful happiness while ripping open sweet cheap beer cans before floating down the rivers of America whistling and dipping tobacco. 

Each finds their joy and instigates ire. Each Others another as more tourist, hipster, yuppy, or redneck than they. I could love them all mostly as a wannabe Whitman might. 

I turn my own chameleon skin into each in different contexts to avoid that same hate. All is another long way of saying I have loved being a tourist. I love trying to capture the little bit of gold in a high church window, or even just snapping the trillionth photo of the naked David, and marveling at the veins in its oversized hand. 

In Venice, the study abroad hipster art kids let their feet dangle over the bridge while sipping wine and drawing the other bridge on their sketchpad and it is beautiful. 

All the wine in Italy is delicious. Every restaurant seems to have its walls covered in bottles. I'm dumb about it all almost on purpose—having grown up among the rolling hills of green grape vines in central California. I hated the flocks of tourists that the grapes brought in. Los Angeles. They watched a film based in my hometown called Sideways and so came in droves to quote the line about Merlot. Our video stores and cowboy galleries turned into tasting rooms. Still, I don't mind a fine wine. I find it all here in Italy to be delicious. I'll join the armies of the loathed if this what it's like, one could say. 

On our second night in Venice, Chelsea and I eat at a little trattoria that Renzo called Oniga. We order the special: a pile of mussels, clams, and squid in red sauce that they toss into spaghetti for the latter half of the meal. 

During the meal, an American tourist asks for a plate and the waiter quickly retorts that he had already asked if they wanted small plates. The waiter then walks away frustrated and cussing under his breath. I appreciate the brutality of his honesty. There is way too much disrespect directed at waiters in America and it is refreshing to see some honesty. The conflict escalates when the waiter brings back a stack of small plates and the patron whines: "I said just ONE!" The patron complains to the manager about the waiter, but I am sure nothing will happen. 

The wind picks up and the air starts to taste like a storm. Quickly, the waiters start to pin down the wax placemats with plates and gather up the umbrellas like there is some shared trauma around a recent weather event. It feels a bit like we are going down with the Titanic as the staff panics around us, and I feverishly sip my Negroni. The temperature shifts and we start trying to wrap up what has already become a very long meal--what will become a mainstay experience for our time in Italy. We begin the battle of glances and subtle gestures required to get the check without looking like an asshole. The Italians tend to eat for hours and start very late at night—sometimes twirling cacio e pepe on their forks until 1 am in the pink-lit piazzas punctuated by fountains and fluorescent hallways of trinkets and cigarettes. The sheer cacophony of imagery when one travels has a kind of numbing effect on the brain—it is a sort of drug. One is struck dumb by the sublime images flashing through you: peculiar tourists' faces, architecture, art, changes in the light--a thousand ceramic corks glazed with lemons in summer colors.

We walk home from the restaurant overstuffed on spaghetti and shellfish and red sauce. It was good, but it got a little cold as we worked through all the shells. 

What we think is surely a storm turns into a light rain. We collapse under the lull of the fan and check to Twitter to see what is still depressing about America as we fall asleep. 

It is interesting to try to "live twice" through a ceaselessly detailed travelogue. One has the danger of not living at all—to in fact spend most of ones' waking hours thinking about the lived world and what will later make it into writing, and of course, the inevitable failure: words never actualize the lived experience. This is also the tragedy of the photograph, I think. I took so many photographs in Italy. It was a sort of crude hobbie with my new phone's fancy camera I could go wide and carefully zoom in on a cat or rabbit hiding in the shade of an olive tree next to a Tuscan castle. I try to remember the scrambled advice from my father about how to properly compose a shot: not too much headroom, have a subject, rule of threes, and not too much empty sky. 

Roland Barthes talks about how a photograph always has an inherently ghostly quality—something about how it always fixes the lived moment into the past. By definition, the photograph is a moment that can never be relived. For this reason, the photograph will always have a kind of ghostly quality to it. I like to think that when I am snapping photographs of the same statues and vistas as a thousand others that I am adding to a limitless digital crypt in my little data center. 

There is sadness and beauty in even very poor photography—like a child snapping photos of his sister sprinting through a field—he has no formal training and maybe he just captures a piece of a leg ten times, or just the grass and sky. There is still something there—something permanent and beautiful. 

I'm thinking about this failure and permanence as I try to recount my last days in Venice. On our first real self-guided walk through the town, we drink some espressos and eat some delicious focaccia with arugula, prosciutto, and a drizzle of olive oil. We start to experience the beginnings of what we will learn is a record-breaking heatwave: a sort of cone or shell that the storms are trapping us in. There will be wildfires in Greece and elderly dying of heat stroke in the coming weeks, but we know nothing of this now. We know only that Venice is packed with other people who were also told it is beautiful. 

I take pictures. We waddle and reapply the "no chafe" stick to our inner thighs. I take pictures of golden boats overflowing with chocolate. We wander into a bookshop where gondolas, old rowboats, and bathtubs are filled with used books and comics. This was apparently because they had grown tired of their collection getting destroyed by the constant flooding of Venice's streets. I take a picture of the sign—a piece of plywood with two cat mermaids and the words, "the most beautiful bookshop in the world." 

I take a picture of Chelsea as she looks over the dusty tomes. We already both have brought more than enough to read for that month. I have Chelsea reading one of my favorites, The Flamethrowers, which has a ton of delightful Italian characters and art world drama, and I am of course working through My Brilliant Friend, which is one of the best books I have read in a long time. Chelsea eats her first seasonal stone fruit. All the food in Italy is rigidly seasonal. We are missing artichokes, but are loving the zucchini flowers and yellow tomatoes. We take a selfie in front of a famous bridge and I find myself growing weary of the crowds. 

I watch the gondoliers in striped shirts expertly guiding boatfuls of teenagers and their parents—many just staring at their phones. Maybe Callard was right and we tourists are ruining the world. 

I take pictures of statues without bothering to decipher the Latin carved underneath them. Maybe it's a saint? Maybe it's a conquerer? Maybe Dante? We peek into a gorgeous music hall, where a man sits alone under the tall ceiling and tunes a piano. The façades of basilicas and churches capture my wandering eye. The ornate pale blue stripes on the outside walls of the duomo stun the soul! We decide not to wait in the monumental line required to see the interior. We stop at a random trattoria, something I was told never to do and order some spaghetti with clams, which turns out to be delicious. It is simple, buttery, oily, salty, and demonstrates restraint: minimalist cooking that holds strictly to tradition. Small, sweet, succulent clams. This is mostly what we would do—eat and gaze up at vines crawling over metal railings—take pictures, learn bits of Italian and fun facts about famous art. It begins to feel like a simple sort of loop, but it is lovely. We explore the beautiful modern Peggy Guggenheim museum before hopping on a ferry. The ferry takes us to a train, which will take us to Verona, where we get to see what inspired Shakespeare to write about those silly lovers so long ago. 



VERONA


We eat some of the best pizza we have had yet in the station and take a train from Venice to Verona. The countryside is strikingly green for the middle of summer. I take a video of Chelsea sleeping as a quiet rain falls on signs of industrialization. Fields filled with sunflowers blister past. We're greeted by a large statue of a warrior in full plate mail stabbing another warrior, who pleads for their life on their back on the ground. It looks and feels a little like upstate New York with the humidity. We wheel our bags too far as I guide with my phone out like it's a compass. We park and I look to see what's on Italian TV. Turns out there is a whole world of music videos, news, and gossip. Stupid to say like I'm 20, but it makes our chunk of the media landscape feel small and insignificant and easily replaceable. Some of the videos are in black and white and are from the 60s. I film one of them because it reminds me of that opening scene in Ghost World. We search for a restaurant from our vast digital file of notes, spreadsheets, and lists. Trattoria Al Bersagliere Enoteca is supposed to be good. Looks catered to locals. It is extremely warm. The flight of cured pork cuts: salami and three kinds of prosciutto are my favorite. I am maybe already drinking too much. We narrowly evade eating horse meat ravioli. I drink a Negroni and red wine. We eat the risotto made with Verona's famous Amarone della Valpolicella, a type of red wine. It is good. We walk through the white light of the miles and everyone is out eating gelato and riding bicycles. We are staying next to the Castel San Pietro and the AirBnB smells like a dungeon crypt. The walls are stone. Verona is a walled city with a Roman colosseum at its center that dates back to 89 BC. 

We walk the Castel Vecchio Bridge over the Adige River. The Adige River hugs the city like a friendly snake. I take more pictures of vines crumbling over stone. I seem to be addicted to the visage. I take pictures of Chelsea "about town": over-the-shoulder shots of her and the city. She wears a black dress and red scarf in her hair. She bends her upper half out of Juliet's window. I take a picture of a stranger touching the Juliet's boob on the statue because that's supposed to be good luck. I'm reminded of people squatting and doing the peace sign on John Lenon's strawberry fields memorial in Central Park. Chelsea ducks into Juliet's tomb. She explains to me how the frescoes are painted. She stands, mouth agape in front of a glass case filled with macaroons every color of the pastel rainbow. According to the internet, the architecture in Verona a mix of the Romanesque, Middle Ages, and Renaissance. The city is quiet and beautiful. The city feels Shakespearean. Chelsea stands in front of a stone-carved sphynx. I snap photos of what is probably an emperor's garb. I capture an image of Dante. I capture the mid-most state of Chelsea's black dress twirling: freeze the action in my little phone box. We take a hot glass funicular to the top of Castel San Pietro. The air inside the gondola is thick and we feel trapped. Australian children whine about wanting more and more gelato. The parents say "no" with extreme disdain. We catch a view of the gorgeous city spotted with clocktowers and minarets. Each city has its hues and this one seems to be somewhere between crimson and washed brick. We cozy up in a little bar perched over the river in the "Citta Antica" portion of the city called Terraza Bar Al Ponte. I take a picture of Santa Claus playing pool. 

We are lucky enough to catch a rendition of Giuseppe Verdi's Aida staged in the colosseum for a little over 20 bucks. Hundreds of dancers dressed in black and white leotards hold staves with large eyes on them. An enormous silver hand, powered by hidden pistons claws over the stage. A large silver ball rises into the sky. The sun sets. Swallows dart in and out of the small holes in the colosseum walls. The sky turns purple before fading from blue. A woman sings and weeps in the middle of the stage. People crawl naked out of holes. We leave at halftime because we are old and talk about what we think will happen to the slave Aida who fell in love with a military commander Radames. "In her looks I trace an unwonted joy." 

Before we know it, we are on a train again, on our way to a huge beautiful apartment in Florence. Italy is already easily the most beautiful place I have ever been. 


FLORENCE


Chelsea says it irritates her when speeches and essays draw too much attention to the author’s own anxieties. And it is, of course, a bit of a cliché move for the writer to begin by describing their natural environs before launching into the thing they set to write about. My coffee cup is stained. I stare at the blinking white cursor. The pepper tree outside is thick with rain. In a famous post-modern short story called “Lost in the Funhouse,” John Barthes writes about the process of writing a short story while telling a short story: “The beginning should recount the events between Ambrose’s first sight of the funhouse early in the afternoon and his entering it with Magda and Peter in the evening. The middle would narrate all relevant events from the time he goes in to the time he loses his way; middles have the double and contradictory function of delaying climax while at the same time preparing the reader for it and fetching him to it. Then the ending would tell what Ambrose does while he’s lost, how he finally finds his way out, and what everybody makes of the experience. So far there’s no real dialogue, very little sensory detail, and nothing in the way of theme. And a long time has gone by already without anything happening; it makes a person wonder. We haven’t even reached Ocean City yet: we will never get out of the funhouse” and so on until the protagonist “…die(s) of starvation telling himself stories in the dark.” 


All is to make an excuse to say—to put down in a portable retina display representation of ink, a branded series of IPS LCD and OLED display—that I am riding the Surfliner train from Lompoc to Los Angeles in California and Hurricane Hilary is making its mild debut in the gutter rivers. Branches and floating cars float in the beige flows rushing quickly whatever was abandoned in the aquaduct. We have been back from Italy for three weeks and are still feeling filled with joy and the memory of delicious food. It feels strange to write about Italy because we don’t have any “stories” in the traditional sense of bloody action, itching conflicts, mountain climaxes, and desperate rescues. Everything went relatively smoothly. Still, the act of carefully describing everything we did still feels valuable. Maybe we didn’t study as much as we should have, or didn’t learn enough Italian words, and fell short of full immersion in the culture and weren’t ever invited in for Sunday Gravy by a grandma who would gladly entertain any strangers’ kids while their parents feasted, and maybe this whole blog project is the attempted remedy for that nagging guilt one feels when terminally online and poisonously self-aware of the saccharine and self-indulgent travel blog narratives we find ourselves in here, right now in this historical moment. At least by putting the experience into text, I can actualize and make permanent what felt like a dream. I like the idea of a travel blog that is sort of useless to the average traveler—so dense with self-referentiality, idiosyncrasies, and digressions that it becomes intolerable for someone looking for the recommendation dump of a good vlog or TripAdvisor post. 


In Florence, we again stubbornly decide to walk from the train station to the apartment where we will be staying. The sidewalks are extremely narrow and are made of large cobbled stones. We generally need to yield to the tourists and hordes of students on study-abroad programs. The part of the town where the train dumps you is flecked with neon signs of late capital: Starbucks and Burger King. When you cross the river the city opens up. We see the eponymous “wine window,” a mainstay from the black plague, where you could walk up and buy wine without getting infected. We walk over the Arno River past the famous Ponte Vecchio Bridge, which according to the internet, is the “first segmental Arch bridge built in the West.” We find our spot Our AirBnB host gives us a skittish tour of the apartment. It is large and filled with marble. She speaks very little English, but we get enough of the details about how to survive for a week. There is a painting of a huge baby in a living room painted in a hybrid realist Renaissance style with nods to the contemporary. The baby suckles her mother and stares directly into your eyes. The father is passed out. The rocket launch is being broadcast on TV. At the edge of the image, toward the frame, it begins to fray and the muted tones give way to garish stripes of bright color as if only an afterthought nod to abstract expressionism. The apartment is huge and feels a bit like a museum. The old lamps and wilted flowers grow on me. We shower and sleep. 


In the morning, we go to a spot that Stanley Tucci loves called Babae. We eat a little Los Angeles guilty pleasures: what is essentially an Italian take on an open-faced bacon egg, cheese, and avocado toast. We are quickly adapting to a pour-over-free lifestyle. It’s a rough life sipping down Americanos and double espressos, but we’re learning to love the darker roasts favored by the Italians. We see most of the museum workers are on strike—their red flags and speeches seem another tender object for the feast of our gaze: another artisanal treat, so opt to spend our first day ambling around the city. Florence is packed with dough-faced undergraduates on study abroad programs and turning the city into a bit of a college town. We take in the blue-striped duomo from outside. It is magnificent and ornate. There are reproductions of Michaelangelo’s “David” all over the place, along with other works from Biblical and Ancient Greek narratives. In a large copper statue, Perseus holds the head of Medusa high over his body. Tendrils coil from the opened neck of the head and fallen body. In his hand, he grips the sword gifted to him by Athena. The courtyard outside the Duomo is crowded with other statues, and one that I learned later is called the “Rape of the Sabine Woman”, which is a nod to a moment in Ancient Rome when men decided to kidnap young women en masse. 


We eat a fancy seven-course meal at a Michelin-star restaurant called Gune. The bread comes in a little wooden box with tiny drawers holding artisanal sourdough rolls and perfectly baked focaccia. It is an ascendant path from there into squab five ways and so on—each dish is a work of art with attendant dry ice spilling over branches, little dots of sauces, amberjack crudo cappuccinos, and some lovely cocktails from a very friendly mixologist who tells us where to get a fancy drink in town. 


We take a pasta-making class and they teach us to make pasta from scratch. After watching a cute little video in the basement explicating why Italians love pasta so much, we get to work forming a tiny volcano basin for the egg and rolling the dough into a translucent yellow sheet. We cut ravioli with stamper and roll the tagliatelle on a pasta guitar. Through flour, it falls in gorgeous hairs. The teachers cook the ravioli in brown butter and sage—the ravioli in a red sauce. We sit at a big table with our classmates to drink wine and eat. It is, like almost everything we consume, delicious. We make friends with a couple from North Carolina. We drink beers at one of the big plaza tourist traps and talk about America. They are moving to Los Angeles and seem deeply worried. He’s in the Coast Guard and it was his 33rd choice in the list of cities where the government could have placed them. They’re also on their honeymoon and need someone else to talk to. We take them to some of the bars the mixologist from Gune recommended. One of them is a spooky speakeasy three stairwells into the earth. Arched walls, a strict no phone policy, and paintings of vampires lit by candlelight make the place feel genuinely of another era. It is called Rasputin after the Russian mystic who the newspapers called a false prophet and Antichrist for his sneaky influence over the tsar and considerable influence over the final years of the Russian Empire. He was assassinated with two bullets to the body and one to the head after refusing tea and cakes laced with cyanide. He fought for his life in his last moments but eventually collapsed into a snowbank and there was probably a dramatic contrast between the blood and the snow according to Wikipedia. 


We took the couple to a big indoor market called Mercato Centrale with all sorts of trendy vendors pushing modern takes on pasta, pizza, and pasta-pizza-adjacent classics like the divine deep-fried rice balls known as arancini. The North Carolina couple seemed happy to notice they have a spot selling smash-burgers. Chelsea and I had our favorite pizza yet heaped with smoked buffalo mozzarella. In the morning, we took a day trip to Cinque Terra, which deserves its own section of self-aware descriptions and maximalist revelry, so I’ll save those tellings for another post. 


We go see Michelangelo di Lodovico Buonarroti Simoni’s sculpture of David, the hands and hand drawn large so the people below the duomo could see. The realism of the veins is striking and I couldn’t help having a bit of a moment with the piece. It is the most celebrated sculpture in the world and as you circle its base, the figure takes on different emotions. Michelangelo picked out the marble himself and claimed he could see the figure inside the stone before he even started chipping away with steel chisels he designed himself. He was a Neo-Platonist who believed the real, ideal form was within the marble block. Eventually, the pope demanded a leaf be placed over the genitals, along with every other nude statue in the city. We ended our trip in Florence at the Antico Ristoro di Cambi, where I feasted on the iconically rare Florentine steak. It is the 4th of July. We meet some loud Americans at a blues-themed bar after dinner and drink too much with them. One of them is very loud and keeps saying “thank you” very loudly in a highly affected Italian accent like people are going to appreciate that sort of thing. An Italian man walks by muttering “ubriaco” with disdain. Chelsea and I stumble home satisfied with having experienced a little bit of home on the most American day of the year.